Goodnight, Irene (Ch. 19)

I showed up at ArcoIris fashionably on fire.  I had bet Southern Fried Frank that the Niners would beat Atlanta, and advance to their first Big Dance in quite some time.  That chance made me 200 pesos happier.  I walked into the restaurant, and two things three things immediately caught my attention.  First, there was a huge table set up over to the left with a beautiful looking vegetable spread, pizza slices, waters and sodas, and a couple dessert cakes.  I also noticed that there were super colorful, exotic paintings all set up on individual easels throughout the dining area.  The other thing that stood out was that there was some person in a full-sized, green iguana costume that was pogo dancing on the wooden dance floor.  I went up to the bar and ordered a patron margarita on the rocks no salt.  I drank it pretty fast because it was gooooood.  I looked around to see if there was anybody that I recognized. 

The place was packed.  Damn near wall to wall.  It seemed like there were two converging parties.  There was obviously some kind of art show, and I guess there were a lot of people there for Irene’s Bon Voyage.  I was amazed that Irene had met as many people in three weeks, as I had met in seven years.  I saw Toothless Jerry.  Hogan was there.  Israel the Mechanic.  The Swiss Baker’s Wife.  All the Girlie Girls from the Yoga Studio.  I recognized Crab, Dingo, Singapore Sharon, Toyota Tommy, The Hula Hoop Girl, and Gringo Gary.  I also noticed that all the paintings had an Iguana Theme.  That explained The Dancing Lizard.    

I ordered another margarita, and went over to the Scoobie Snack section and put a bunch of jicama, beet strips, and carrots on a small plate.  I piled about six slices of pizza on top of that.  I grabbed a water.  I walked around the room pretending I was interested in the art.   I remember standing in front of one of them with my legs spread far apart, nodding my head up and down as though I was being affected.  Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed The Iguana Guy coming towards me.  

“Hey Man.”


“In the Felt!”

“What the Fuck Guy?  When does it end around here?”

“Killer Grub.  Have you tried the Chorizo Pizza?”

“I was about to.  Is somebody paying you to be in that iguana suit?”

“Vera the Artist asked if I would do it.  She is giving me one of her early Originals as compensation.  Not a bad gig.  Have you talked with Irene? 

“No.  And Scratch…I know it was you.  I figured it all out.  You organized the intervention.  Tino sent out the orders, and you made it happen.”

“Pretty slick, eh?  Close call in the mountains Bro.  I had your Girl all set up at Prospero’s Cabañas.  When i got word that you missed the stop at San Mateo, I had to pull a rabbit out of my butt to re-situate her up at Don Memo’s. 

“We can talk about all that shit later Scratch.  What’s important is that it worked out.  Thanks for all your hard work Buddy.  That Girl really earned her stripes.  You know I owe you.”

“No, thank YOU man!”

“Thank me for what?”

“Irene didn’t tell you?

“Tell me what?”

“Oops.  She was supposed to tell you.”

“Tell me what Dog?” 

“She’s pregnant.”

“Who’s pregnant?”


“Come again?”

“Yeah we just found out today.  Irene skipped her period.  She then started feeling funny.  Her hand went numb.  Her eye kept twitching.  Yada, Yada, we both went into the lab together, and Bob’s our Uncle.  

“What is she like four days pregnant?


“Holy Crap Scratch.  Congrats.  She’s a real score.”

“Thanks Man.  Hey you haven’t told Irene anything about my…..”

“Not a thing.”

“Good.  And Hey Man, with your blessing, we want to name the baby after you.”

“Seriously?  What if it comes out looking more Chinese than White?  You can’t name a Chinese looking baby Aaron, or Erin.”

Love Shack by the B52’s began pumping out of the speakers.  Scratchy excused himself and jumped out into the crowded dance floor and began pogo dancing in his green iguana suit.  I found a small table in the corner and sat down and began eating my free food.  I finally spotted Irene on the other side of the room.  She looked great.  She was surrounded by all sorts of people that I had never seen.  They were laughing and carrying on about this that and the other.  She was probably breaking the news to everyone about her being three days pregnant.  Nutty place this Puerto Escondido.

It was now 11pm.  The crowd was thinning out and I was just about to do the same.  I thought about quietly slipping out the back door like I am known to do, saying goodbye, nice to meet you, and thank you, to only the people that come between me and my direct path to the exit door.  That’s exactly the moment that Irene and Perfect Ass Paula came over to me.  I got nervous.  I’ve been seeing Perfect Ass Paula for years, but have never had the courage to say anything to her.  Leave it to Girl Friday I thought. 

“Hello Aaron, this is my good friend Paula.  Paula, Aaron.  Aaron, Paula.”

Paula was wearing a bathing suit top, and a skimpy little yoga bottom of some sort.  She was barefoot.  Her black hair was in braids.  She wore a skull and crossbones necklace.  She had a small stud in her right nostril.  She wore a Livestrong bracelet, and had a tattoo of Wilma Flintstone on the inside of her left bicep.  I put my hand out and kissed her on the right cheek.  I told her that I have seen her around for years, and that it was really nice to finally meet her.  She smiled.  I could tell that she had consumed her share of alcohol because she just kept giggling at nothing in particular. 

Irene vanished before I could congratulate her on becoming pregnant.  Paula put her arm around me and whispered something in my ear that sounded like, “Do you want to go skinny dipping in the ocean?”  I guess because her ass is so damn perfect, she figured that my answer was going to be yes, and so she just turned her back and started walking down the stairs towards the beach without me.  I didn’t know what to do.  Part of me began thinking about Jaws.  The other part was thinking about her Perfect Ass.  Part of me was wondering whether this was a good time to perform ‘The Takeaway’.  The other part was thinking about that Ass.

I pulled a 10 peso coin out of the pocket of my bathing suit.  Heads I go skinny dipping with Perfect Ass Paula, and tails I don’t.  It was tails.