Alphabet Soup (Ch. 13)

Attempt to fix the issue with my God Damned Internet at my hotel.  Something just isn’t configured right.  Sometimes it works great.  Other times it doesn’t even recognize the network.  Pisses me off!!

Buckle up a storage arrangement for all my shit while I am back in The States.  I will pay as much as 500 pesos per month for the right setup for my valuables.  Of course I’d prefer to pay nothing.

Convince Big Jim to neuter Rocky.  Let him know I found an online outfit that makes both Nylon, and Genuine Leather Nut Sacks that he can buy and have fitted and made to appear as though his dog is still packing a sack.

Dispose whatever animal has curled up and died near the top of my broken down arroyo.  This arroyo is crucial to my flow.  The smell is foul.  Third time in as many months that a dead smell has appeared.  Might have something to do with The Giant Iguana and The Tractor Tire.

Educate the beautiful people of this region to embrace the idea that dogs and cats are not only worth having around when they are puppies and kittens.

Find a reliable kid to buy and deliver one Pineapple, One Papaya, Four bananas, twelve small oranges, and a 10p bag of Garlic and Salt Peanuts every Tuesday and Friday.  I will personally show you where each one of these items can be purchased.  You in turn find someone to fill your shoes when you go back to school.  I know exactly what it should all cost, give or take a banana.  I will leave the money on my patio, PLUS an additional 50 pesos for the service.

Ground my hotel.  The owner’s son is Samuel.  You won’t be able to understand his Dad which is why the son is a good starting point.  You can tell them that I can’t play my keyboard without being shocked.  Tell them that I am not a happy camper.  The word for ground is Tierra.  Probably a job for an electrician.  Lots of information can be found on the internet.(Reminder: Fix Internet)

Have my drinking water delivered to my door on Monday mornings.  Train the boys to come before the sun comes out, and to please leave new(er) bottles.  Be sure to teach them how to leave the water in the shade.  Make sure they understand that I am willing to leave a few extra pesos as a token of my gratitude.  But be sure that you train these kids.  Training is the key.  Don’t assume anything around here.

Investigate into the current status of Rebel Soccer in Santa Cruz County.  Once a potential dynasty, team management decided to throw it all away for a pathetic brand that rewards the player that yells for the ball the loudest.  It’s pretty disgusting!  Anyway, see what you can find out.  The team captain’s email is 

Join the Puerto Escondido Online Forum through your laptop computer, and under an alias.  You choose the alias.  Make it kind of girly like BikiniBabe7.  And then make a few innocent girly posts from your computer.  That’s all you gotta do.  Be sure to leave me w/ the password and username before you leave. 

Keep your eye out for a deal on a scooter.  I’d rather not buy one.  Prefer a Honda over an Italika.  It doesn’t need to be legal, and don’t let anybody fool you into believing it needs to be legal.  I really just need one until about noon everyday.

Like my friend Scratchy on Facebook.  You’ll meet him one day.  He only has a couple dozen FB friends.  Bit of a loner that guy.

Mop the tiles on my patio once per week.  Mondays are best.  I keep a mop and a bucket in the stairwell area.  Fabuloso of course.  Any flavor works for me.

Nap time for me is 1-3pm everyday.  Just an FYI.  I ask that these two hours of my day remain uncontested.  Nothing is that important where I would need to be bothered during that time.

Orchestrate my living arrangements for when I return to Santa Cruz.  Your best bet is to get in touch with a fellow named The Vaird.  The guy owes me big time for all the work I’ve done on his compound over the years.  Plus he stole my 25 year old rubber tree.  Offer up free piano lessons as a last resort.  Tell him I’m broke.

Poke around the premises where the Christian Surfers have set up their “shop”.  I smell a rat or two.  You can Pretend you are interested in their movement.  Give them a few bucks.  Be sure to report back to me. 

Quietly go about your business.  Never give out my name, or tell anybody where I live.  Got that?!?!

Return a bottle of Soy Vey to Super Che.  I’ve attached the receipt.  As you can see, it was very expensive.  It was also opened and had a rank smell to it.  If an Indian woman cuts in front of you in line, tap her heel twice.  Make sure you do it twice.  Once could easily be deemed an accident.  Not twice though. If that doesn’t work, Then whisper English in her ear.  She’ll get the message.

Sweep the broken glass out of the broken down concrete arroyo.  Again, this is a crucial beach access way for me.  98% of the time I am barefoot.  I think there are now six different parts that need sweeping.(see map) 

Tip-Toe real stealth-like over to the barking dog that is short-tied up to a shade tree on my neighbors property to the left of my hotel.(if you’re facing the ocean)  Please don’t get caught.  I can’t figure out for certain if the dog is saying get me out of here, OR I’m glad that I at least get food and water.  Untie the fucker and see what it does because I can’t take it any longer.

Untie the 14 dogs within the mile radius of my room(see map) that are probably short-tied up for life.  Start by reasoning with the owner(s).  Offer up some money if need be.  Last resort is to offer money AND take the dog.  I’d prefer you not take the dog, but do it if it’s necessary.  I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Vibe all those that have entitlement issues.  Brazillian Surfers, Italian Dickheads, Mean Ol’ White People on Vacation, and Light Skinned Mexicans are some of the bigger culprits.  Get em‘ Good.

Write a letter to the Stockholders of Coca Cola and let them know that they are profiting off of poisoning an entire country with their product and that 9 of 10 of their plastic bottles are being burned instead of recycled.  But be sure to also mention that I love an Ice Cold Coke out of a Glass Bottle from time to time.  Nothing like it.

XX Amber is much better than their Lager.  Trust me on that one.

You need to be sure to stay out of the sun between 11am and 4pm.  Go to bed early and get up early.  Your future is at stake.  Don’t fall into the puerto trap.  It makes for a long, unproductive day..

Zip over to Reno’s Swiss Bakery(see map) on Saturday mornings, and pick me up two Chocolate Volcanos and a fresh baguette.  Get there early!